My dear, sweet babies – I hope that one day you read this and it helps you understand just how much I love you. I hope that one day you have children of your own and you, too, cry at night. No, I don’t wish you to be sad. I could never dream of such a wish. I only wish for your heart to be as full as mine. You see, my loves, this is why mama cries at night.
As a mother, I’ve come to learn that worry is the equivalent of love. I worry that you don’t eat enough. I worry that you eat too much. I worry that you’ll be bullied. I worry that you’ll be the bully. I worry that you watch too much tv. I worry that read too little. I worry about my babies, and those worries turn to tears.
Just when the tears of worry stop flowing, in come the tears of guilt. I feel guilty for paying too much attention to my phone. I feel guilty for not taking enough pictures. I feel guilty for working so much. I feel guilty for not working enough. I feel guilty for feeding you McDonald’s. I feel guilty for forcing you to eat vegetables. I cry because I’m guilty of not being the best mom I can be for you, my beautiful babies.
And when I stop crying, the worry kicks back in. I check to make sure you are still breathing. Yes, this is truly a concern of mine and I’m not sure it will ever go away. I wake up multiple times a night to study the video monitor, to ensure that your back is still moving up and down. My babies, you are so precious when you sleep. Knowing that you are all mine then makes me cry again.
Mama cries at night because she’s happy, not sad. I’m so incredibly happy because I’m so incredibly blessed. I am so lucky that I get to be your mama. I’m lucky because I’m the one who gets to worry about you. I’m the one who gets to feel guilty when something goes wrong. I’m the one who gets to cry these happy tears at night.
I hope that one day you read this and you understand why moms never get enough sleep. It’s not always a crying baby keeping us up at night. It’s usually the tears of motherhood that keep us awake.